boy oh boy have I had an eventful few weeks...

I'm sat in my room at university writing this post after having returned from a last minute trip back home. I haven't really written properly since coming to university but something just made me want to. You know when new parents describe how much love they have for their children, it's a true unconditional love that you never really thought you could actually have for someone, I kinda get it. Except I don't have a child to be projecting love from every fibre of my being into but it's to my parents.

If you follow me on my instagram/twitter, you've probably figured out that these last two weeks have been the worst weeks of my life. I'm in a much better place now and I am cautious not to dwell on it much in fear of triggering it again. I felt alone, so so lonely, overwhelmed and on edge. This time last week I called my mum and admitted everything to her and broke down in tears and we cried together before my dad came to the phone and tried to calm us both down and then quickly drove to Victoria Station to get the coach to see me.

Neither of my parents were angry or disappointed in me for feeling the way I was feeling and for wanting to drop out (yes, I was on the brink of dropping out of university...who would've thought it). My dad came with the intention of bringing me back home to take a year out from studies to reassess everything. We are so used to this rhetoric of putting pressure on ourselves to please our parents- especially if you're first generation- that we just assume it also applies to us. I hate to admit it but I never really realised just how amazing and supportive my parents were until I had that massive breakdown and now that I'm back from a weekend home which I spent with them and my sister, I really am counting my blessings.

I am so incredibly grateful to have parents who are so supportive of me and so caring and so accepting. They are the type of parent that I will aspire to be when my time comes, the type who prioritise their children's happiness over everything else. And coming back to the point about unconditional love, I really do understand it now.

Okay so enough of that, I don't want to overwhelm you with the #feels.
So what did I do over the weekend? Well I arrived to London on Friday evening, right in the middle of rush hour so I was quite literally swept up off my feet by the rush of fellow commuters. I felt an inexplicable joy, I just couldn't stop smiling as I made my way to the escalators and out of Waterloo station. As soon as I walked out I saw all the red buses, the Old Vic lit up in red LED lights and a whole load of cars and people and I was just overwhelmed by the big, towering buildings in front of me and I was just so happy to be back to this chaotic place. 

My dad and sister picked me up to save me from the Jubilee Line at rush hour (thanks guys) and we drove home through roads that were once part of my daily commute to sixth form. I went home and it was such a weird feeling because now 'home' to me are 198.4 miles away from each other. My mum, who I hadn't seen since I had moved out, was so happy to see me and I remember never wanting to let go of her. My sister and I decided to walk around our local area, I got to see my parents' cafe  on Borough High street which I had worked in during the weeks leading up to my move, walk through Borough Market and then along South Bank up until the Tate Modern. It's weird revisiting these places which are just a 10 minute walk away from you and these are the places I take anyone who comes to visit me from elsewhere and now I'm the one being toured around. Being at university made me realise just how privileged I am to have grown up and lived in such a central area of London. The look on people's faces when you tell them you live 5 minutes away from Borough Market (which obviously growing up there was the norm but then at uni it's like "woah you're from London London) Also went to Ambra's house to catch up, ofc. 

Saturday was a slow start. My sister and I took a bus to Waterloo and then had to walk from there due to a protest...ah London. I truly felt like a tourist that day, so eager to make the most out of the day. I've said it before and I'll say it again, walking over Waterloo bridge (mainly at night but on a blue skied, sunny, crisp Autumn day too) is an amazing experience. We walked to Covent Garden then down Neal Street for food and then to my favourite hidden spot that is Neal's Yard where we sat and ate overpriced cupcakes. We then made our way to Tottenham court road where I saw a quote on a telephone box "There's nowhere else like London. Nothing at all, anywhere" and it just fit in perfectly with how I was feeling. Then down Oxford Street, Regents Street, Carnaby Street (which had neon lights with lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen) and then to Piccadilly Circus and we ended it with an hours stint sat by the lions in Trafalgar Square. Headed home and then went out for dinner by the river. Then went out with a friend later that night. 

On Sunday I woke up early and went to the National Portrait Gallery on my own and then met my dad at the gym. I was finally back to yoga and pret sessions with my dad, some thing that we've been doing for almost 2 years now. I really appreciate those few hours on a Sunday morning. We went home and then were joined by my sister and mum and then went to Regents Park. Glorious day- blue skies and sun. I also managed to relive some childhood memories as we went to the mosque right by the park- that restaurant in the basement was literally my place as a child and I still remember the Bengali people who cooked and served the food. I was dreading getting the train back that evening (which wouldn't be arriving to Exeter until midnight because I booked the longer, cheaper train) that I decided I had an open return so I'd just get the train the next morning...incidentally the exact morning when alll trains from Waterloo were cancelled but it's okay- I got there in the end. 
London, I love you so much. To my parents, I love you even more- beyond what words can express, it is an other-worldly love. To my sister, lol yeah we managed to get over the honey-moon phase where you even let me wear your clothes again real quick and argued but I still miss you and love you more than I would care to admit...now don't bring this up next time you see me. So yeah, that was a little story of me confessing the weird anxious/depressed/sad state I was in and also a little recap of my weekend in London. 

Thank you to all of those who checked up on me during a time where it felt like I was the only one living. I really appreciate it. And if you ever feel the same way I did, depressed or anxious or just sad, please speak to someone (including me) and get actual helps. It seems scary to admit it or to go to a student wellbeing centre or a GP but it is so so important. 

-Dalal 

8 comments

  1. Ahhh this makes me so happy, i can literally feel the warmth radiating from your words. Sounds like a beautiful time home and I'm glad you were able to get so much love and support. (During the Xmas holidays in first year I was also going through turbulent emotions and called my mum at like 10pm crying and was met with "book a train right now, I'm expecting you at Forest Hill station at 10am" hahaha). It's all such a massive overwhelming experience and being so far away from home I can imagine is more than tough. Onto brighter things :))) take careee girl and wishing ya the best in this cold few months.

    Zoe xo
    delicate--musings.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much Zoe! It turns out that turbulent emotions at uni are much more common than I would like them to be...especially as an emotionally sensitive person haha. I hope you have a lovely last few weeks of term and enjoy the Christmas period.

      Lots of love,
      Dalal

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  2. Ahh Dalal, I'm so glad you got to go back to London for the weekend. Whenever you write about London it makes me feel things I didn't think I could feel about a city, I love it. I'm also glad that going back home helped your mental health and thats the most important thing I think. I hope you continue to feel better in regards to your depression/anxiety as I know how hard it is dealing with it. You've got this and you are strong!

    Lucy | Forever September

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    1. Honestly, I am too- I don't know how I'd be doing if I didn't book the last minute train tickets! Hahah that means a lot to me Lucy...I'm still surprised we haven't properly met up and done a proper day out in London. Thanks so much for being so supportive

      Lots of love,
      Dalal

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  3. I’m do glad you’re doing a bit better now, and hope it only goes up from here.obdon sounds amazing and you’re actually making me want to visit again soon for the first time in years!

    Good luck in these last few weeks running up to Christmas, we can do it!

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    1. Thanks Amanda, I hope you're feeling okay too! If you ever plan on visiting London, let me know and we can arrange something- would love to meet up with you and show you around. Yess we can SO do it!

      Lots of love,
      Dalal

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  4. Dalal <333333 This is such a lovely post, your love is just so palpable and it makes me happy. I'm so glad you're doing better, but if you ever need anything to just a chat, you know where I am. I'm in my last few years of London/home living at the moment and posts like this really make me appreciate it whilst it's here - it's a pretty special place.
    Esme xx

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  5. Dalal I actually love you and this post is just so full of emotion. I'm glad things are getting better and I'm so pleased that your weekend in London was fab, it sounded like a bit of a dream! Hit me up if you ever need to talk, you know I'll always be here :) the end of your first term is nearly here and that means Morocco!!! I hope you have the best time because you deserve it gal xxxx

    eleanorclaudie.com

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Thank you for reading! I love reading comments and will always reply to them.

Lots of love, Dalal

© dalal tahira.