Tuesday, 21 August 2018

18 | growing up




It's my birthday! 

I'm not going to sit here and spew out an optimistic and overly positive blog post because I just don't think it's realistic. I'm sure everyone has some sour feelings towards their birthday, more so when it's a milestone one. I've always been a crier on my birthday. In fact, I cried for almost 3 hours today as I sat at home alone whilst the majority of my family are still in Morocco and my dad is at work. I've always been a crier. If you look through old photo albums meticulously labelled 'Dalal's 2nd birthday' or 'Dalal's 6th birthday' in my mum's handwriting, you will find at least one photo of me red faced, puffy eyed, mouth open and tears streaming. I don't know what it is but the whole welcoming of a new year and the inevitable shift as you grow older is always lingering, even when I was as young as 2. I don't like change. Not at all. I had my tarot reading done and it solidified that I like to have a constant. Now that I'm turning 18, I want to scrabble and grip onto that last bit of childhood until my knuckles are white and trembling from the sheer force of it all. I want to cling onto security, a life of little to no responsibilities and the infantile nature of it all. It doesn't help that I don't drink so not even getting pissed off my nut is an incentive to welcome this whole adulthood thing. Keeping it real.

But in a time of frantic and desperate attempts to hold onto something that so widely signifies comfort, I realised that I have a lot of other 'constants' in my life. Whilst being a minor has passed me by, my blog serves as a true constant in my life. I started this blog at the tender age of 12, in the awkward pre-teen and very ready to turn into a teenager (pfffft) and lovingly organised my baby lips in accordance to the rainbow before snapping them for my blog with my iPod touch that I'd received in the summer of year 7. Whilst things have, thankfully, changed, I guess what I want to state is that my blog has been with me since the beginning of the years that really counted for me. The years that have shaped me into the newly 18 year old person I am today. I know that no matter how long of a break I take, how good or bad life gets or just how busy I am, my blog will still be there. The blinking cursor waiting for the pads of my fingers to hit the keys. And when letters start to turn into words and then words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs and I finally sign off with a question and my name and hit publish, I will know that this place is mine and I can always come back to it.

I could say the same with family and friends. They too are yet another constant in my life. I will always have my family and I will always have my, albeit small, group of widely spread friends. I don't think I'll talk much about this subject now though.

So whilst this is essentially a post declaring 'WOO I'M A LEGAL ADULT NOW JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW' it's also there to show myself, more than anything, that my life is still going to be the same. I'm the same, growing person with the same family, the same friends and the same fraction of the internet that is legally mine. I'll still do my hair the same and still apply bronzer badly. A change in age will not change any of that. Perhaps enhance it (at least the muddy bronzer...please) but it will never change it for the worse. I just need to remember that.

Dalal
21/08/2018

14 comments:

  1. Aw this is cute!! And it's something that I feel too. I've had my blog for 8 years now and it's so rewarding to have so many moments saved in one place ❤️ Happy birthday!! Louise :)

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    1. Thank you Louise. 8 years is a long time! It must be so interesting to look through old posts and see the progression of your life through them

      Dalal

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  2. I love the way you write Dalal, it’s so captivating. Hold onto life with little to no responsibilities for as long as you can because BOY no one prepared me for life out here fending for myself. It’s like we go 17 years living life, happy go lucky and you turn 18 and it’s like YIKES, I have to adult now?! And your mum isn’t speaking to your doctor for you or booking your half term check ups at the opticians for you anymore.

    I like my life to be constant too but ive found recently that a lot is changing that requires me to adjust and change my destination and routines, it’s a bit stressful. That’s some wisdom I am going to pass onto you, in my 18th year I’ve learnt that life comes at you quick and things change very quickly, a lot of the time out of your control and you either adjust to it or you crumble. Adjusting is the best way if you want to keep things constant, crumbling can leave you feeling a bit panicked. I’m in the middle of the two at the moment and I feel like a bit of dust floating aimlessly. Meh I’ll figure it out

    Fran | www.franciscarockey.co.uk

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    1. Thanks Fran! My first few days of 'adulthood' have been normal: work, walking around London and chilling so it's not too bad. Adjusting or crumbling is definitely something I can relate to, I've started taking everything as I go and adjusting almost instantly because I'm way too anxious to let things get to the point of almost falling apart. I hope your situation lifts a little bit and you find clarity soon.

      Dalal

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  3. Happy Birthday lovely! I totally relate to the last bit of your post. I recently turned 21 but I still feel the same as when I turned 18 to be honest. I've just learnt a few more life things in that time haha

    franalibi.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Fran! It's something I think resonates with a lot of bloggers, having somewhere that you can always go back to- even if it's online. Haha definitely so much learning to do, but I'll take it as I go.

      Dalal

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  4. I hope you had a lovely birthday Dalal, this was a fab post. I love the way you spoke about your blog and how its always there for you, ready and waiting, that really resonated with me. I've had mine since I was about 15 and I remember doing the same thing with my baby lips and pastel Instagram themes, ahh the nostalgia!

    Lucy | Forever September

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    1. Thank you Lucy, I did have a pretty good day. That's the best thing about having a blog as opposed to just having a social media presence, your blog is yours whereas your instagram account per se is not. I still have a few baby lips lingering around, whenever I see one it takes me back to those days haha.

      Dalal

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  5. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DALAL!! Hope it was a beautiful day, depsite the tears. Ugh, I totally get how you feel about having a 'constant' - I'm a stubborn Taurus and apparently hate change? I question that because I feel like I can get through change p well, despite discomfort.That being said, I do really like having order, so it's a weird balance. Having a blog to look back on is so special to me - all the random, kinda shitty posts with no comments or views has really shaped me, and looking back at everything gives me such an ego-boost because you get to see how far you've come! Anyway, hope you're enjoying your first few days as an 'adult'. Sending love xoxo

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    1. THANK YOU ZOE! There is beauty through the tears it seems as my day got so much better. I'm like that too, I love having a routine but I also yearn for spontaneity so it's basically a huge paradox. I think the solution is figuring out a balance between the two. My fave thing to do is look through my blog archive, it's so entertaining and very humbling haha.

      Dalal

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  6. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY LOVELY LADY!! I know the feeling, so many kids say 'I can't wait to grow up' and then you get there and you're like 'no no no how do I reverse this and go back to being a kid' lol!! But it has its good qualities too and being 18 isn't bad trust me!! You've got a couple more years until you're no longer a "teen" anyway!!

    Tasha x
    lovefromtasha.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Tasha. Whenever I think back to the times when I was excited to 'grow up' I just have to sigh- it really is a trap!

      Dalal

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  7. happy birthday! this post is so beautiful!

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stop procrastinating and just comment already
jk
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