Tuesday, 27 March 2018

feeling stuck


Truly, I feel stuck.

I don't feel like anything is going anywhere and my whole life is just stagnated right now and my future seems really uncertain at this point which is the most worrisome state to be in. I've received offers from brilliant universities across the UK but I don't want to go to any of them. My blog stats have been increasing but I don't think it's enough. I have a vision in my mind that is yet to be achieved.

Truthfully, I'd like to blame to this all on the weather and my environment. As paradoxical as it may sound, London is doing very little for me. The so-called diverse hub of creativity and inspiration is doing everything but sparking those two ever so crucial things within me. It is draining me of everything. And whilst days are getting longer and brighter, my ability to keep myself up and productive throughout those long hours is becoming sparser and increasingly dimmed.

They say everything is cured by salt water: sweat, tears and the sea. But I am unable to obtain any of them. I'm too tired to work out. All cried out to shed even more tears. And the British sea is appallingly bleak. I understand that I seem unbelievably superficial right now, if I really wanted to, I could just force myself to do physical activity or think of other ways.

I want a drastic change. I like change. I don't think I could stay in one place for the rest of my life, I am constantly evolving and shedding old qualities as I grow. Only with each shedding, my geographical location has remained the same. Still the same room I wake up in, the same clothes I scour through, the same bus I hurriedly get on, the same school I tap into grudgingly.

I often find myself scouring the ryanair website for flights. I also end up daydreaming about the day I pack my bags and move to somewhere else. Tabs upon tabs upon tabs with the hectic mix of "rent prices in Barcelona", "obtaining a Spanish NIE" and google map searches for the Spanish embassy in London are strewn across my Safari window. I'm pretty sure I ended up dreaming about how I would write a post on here finally revealing my big decision to move. When you want something so badly, the tense excitement and anxiety is channeled into something a little gentler in a way to neutralise this heavy desire. Our psyche takes it upon itself to portray it through dreams. And that is exactly what is happening to me.

But with dreams, as they say, they are meant to be chased. So whilst my life is essentially fixed as my exams approach, the moment a form of malleable life finally arrives, I will be making the most of it and breaking out of the rigid constrictions.

I tried fooling telling myself that my year abroad in my degree will fill this gap.

Now I don't even know which university I want to go to.

Or even if a mere year could satisfy this gaping gulf of 17 years worth of pent up banalities.

Whilst I have mulled over the idea of a gap year, usually fuelled by emotional shortcomings whether that be a bad test grade and the subsequent crisis or the rejection from a university I had my heart set on, the prospects of it seem increasingly attractive. I vividly remember writing in my rejection post that depending on the situation of my UCAS track, I would take a gap year. And whilst it didn't turn out half as bad as I expected, I don't think any of my choices are for me. Perhaps that will serve as optimum time to work, earn some money, embark on a programme that my school could potentially fund if successful and then spend a few months living and working in Spain.

But for now, as I am sat here whilst time quickly slips away and we edge towards the end of March, signalling yet another month closer till June, I am essentially fixed to my current situation. Sure I could quite simply pack my bags and leave but in the grand scheme of things, my hands are tied. A push pin, pinning me here with big, bad governors and admissions officers playing with my future from the tips of their fingers. Powerful and, clearly deficient, in empathetic skills.

-Dalal

12 comments:

  1. Ah Dalal, you're writing is insane! I hope you feel better soon n that exams go well and I hope you start to have an amazing time soon too x

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    1. Thank youuuu Libby! I hope so too haha

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  2. Nice inspirations

    FOLLOW my Blog!!! Maybe we can follow each other!!!
    www.rimanerenellamemoria.de

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  3. I remember all these concerns going through my head a few years back. Just remember there is no bad decision. Only do what you really want to do.
    I am only just going to University now at 23 after a few years of working and travelling and I don't regret it for a second.
    You're still young, there's so much time for everything to come :)

    http://ribbitsaidthefrogcalledtoad.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm glad to know that other people have experienced the same thing, sometimes it feels like it's only you. Thank you for the reassurance, Louise- it means a lot!

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  4. Wow! You've put your feelings and thoughts onto the screen so wonderfully. I've been feeling the same confusion as you and going through hectic phases dreaming of escaping my small town. I hope you figure everything out! Much love,
    http://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/

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    1. Thank you Aiko! It's the worst right, wanting something that you can't get (yet) I hope everything falls into place for you too <3

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  5. Dalal, I love this blog layout!! So beautiful. The future is such a scary and exciting thing; I find myself confused and overwhelmed by all the options we have. Exams and revision just become this horrible consuming thing, but you'll see the light at the end of it soon. It will be over before you know it. Hope it's all going ok! xo

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    1. Thank you Lexie!! I can empathise with you, 100%. The uncertainty of it all is crazy but exciting.

      Dalal

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  6. Dalaaaalll its been a while since ive been on your blog and this post is very true i think it just sums up what a lot of people our age group is feeling now, I am thinking of taking a gap year as well but strict parents mean i need a better reason than idk.
    Im not sure if this helps but the following links are a few stuff I saw which seems like stuff you'll do :
    https://www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/opportunity/volunteer-teacher-in-argentina-215752

    https://www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/opportunity/high-school-special-projects-for-15-to-18-year-olds-207692/2

    https://www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/opportunity/french-language-speaking-roles-based-in-france-427336

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    1. ah mate HELLO! I hope you're doing well- the thought of a gap year has been in my mind for a long time, I remember reading an article about how young people no longer take gap years to travel but as a way to sort everything out for the next step and it's so true. Thanks for the links T, I'll look through them

      Dalal

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stop procrastinating and just comment already
jk
funny comments get extra points