Tuesday, 28 November 2017

rejection

so I got rejected from Oxford.

and although I probably shouldn't be tarnishing my "academically perfect" image online, I feel like I have been documenting my application process on here and this step is necessary to address.

I worked so fucking hard on that application. Schooldays that extended until 7pm for entrance exam sessions and writing multiple drafts of essays to submit as written work. And although I shouldn't see it all as a waste, I do.

The letter came on Saturday when I was out all day exploring London with my lovely friend Katie (we had such a good day) but my mum didn't want to upset me that night after I'd had such a nice day. She showed me the letter today (sunday) and I just felt so disappointed in myself and that I had let everyone down because this so-called 'Oxford dream' had taken up so much of my time and so much emotion. I think I cried all the tears in me.

There's this massive expectation from some school friends and I am dreading this whole week of them asking "have you heard anything back yet?" and the subsequent answer to follow. Not only that is a few blog readers/friends who I feel like I've been a role model for. I mean this in the least self entitled way but a few younger bloggers come to me for school advice or have simply been following my academic journey and I feel like I have let them down because I have failed in entering my next "impressive" step...even though that's stupid because simply going to a certain institution does not dictate my worth at all.

So I cried for the next 45 minutes with my mum comforting me and telling me that everything happens for a reason, that better things are coming like possible offers from Durham, it's a blessing in disguise because I had only applied for history alone there and not history and spanish and if I want to take a gap year then I could always do that.

I think rejection is always a hard thing to deal with because you ultimately start to question yourself and your worth: "am I not good enough?" "why don't they want me?" but we always forget that rejection is a crucial part of growing and a lot can be learnt from the way you deal with it.

I am not familiar with failure or rejection. I am used to pure successes. I do not mean to sound conceited.

I am sad, there's no denying that but a few hours have passed and I'm beginning to rethink everything. Katie and I were discussing yesterday that if we both hypothetically got offers from Oxford and Durham, which would we go for? I said Durham because it would've been an offer for the course I really want to do (History and Spanish) as opposed to straight History at Oxford. I'm pretty sure that Katie said she'd pick Durham as it's only 20 minutes away from home but she'd also live with the fact that she passed an opportunity to go to the University of Oxford and I agreed. It's a weird one.

Perhaps I've made it much easier for myself for if I did get an offer from both, I would then be plagued with the massive decision between going to Oxford and not doing a course I completely want to do or picking any of my other options for my exact course combination.

If anything, this rejection has motivated me to work harder. I want to prove the history tutor that made this decision wrong, as petty as that may sound. And even though I probably won't put myself through reapplying because it's simply unnecessary and time consuming, I will definitely take this process as a learning experience. The possibility of a gap year will be on the cards as well, depending on the prospects of my UCAS track in the next few months. I know what I want to fill my gap year with, if I do take one but for now I shall continue to work as hard as I can and not focus on the "past"

As my mum said, I should take my time and not think about disappointing others (which is partly the reason why I was so upset at the rejection) This is my own university application and I should solely consider myself in it. At the end of the day, everything happens for a reason, as cliche as that may sound. Maybe I'm not yet ready for the academic rigour or perhaps this has saved me from undergoing 3 years and a whole lot of stress and debt over a course I don't entirely want to do.

Pity party is over.

For those of you who did get invited to interview at Oxbridge, I'm wishing you all the luck and sending over positive vibes- you can do it! 




24 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you never got into oxford... stupid oxford. they suck.

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    1. hit send too quick, oops.

      i just wanted to add that your thinking is on the right track! it's better to rethink now, before you start any courses, than right in the middle of exam season or something!

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    2. ahaha it's okay, you have nothing to be sorry about Iona!

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    3. thank you, I definitely agree- I'm pretty glad that this rejection has got a silver lining

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  2. Growth!! You're still an exceptional, talented and intelligent human being regardless of whether dry Oxford didn't accept you. Rejection, while it fuckiNG SUCKS, is so healthy tbh, and it sounds like you were having second thoughts about your course which is relly important because if your course isn't enjoyable, your uni experience won't be either. Good good luck with your other options, I'm sure you'll be accepted by them all. Also don't be afraid to feel shitty, let it manifest. Just don't think that you're letting people down because honestly people will feel nothing but admiration and understanding!! Sending positive vibess <3 <3 <3

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    1. I guess that's exactly how I'll have to take it: as a lesson. I suppose that after investing so much time and being told that I am capable of applying to an institution like Oxford since the early years of secondary school, now that I've finally done it and have faced rejection it is just very bitter-sweet because it's something that I've been anticipating for years. yes! my mum is amazing at digging things out of me and making me realise things that I wouldn't necessarily do so. haha don't worry, I think I've cried twice a day ever since the letter came but it's okay but I'm glad I'm expressing my sadness rather than letting it build up inside. Thank you so much for this comment, Zoe- you're a star <3

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  3. firstly dalal, sucks you didn't get into Oxford but this has no way tainted your academic success. I remember part of the reason I took a gap year was because my grades were good and I thought I could have reapplied and gone to Oxford- I know how it feels to get rejected (not that I did because the grades never catered for Oxford anyway) but it sucks but it's not the end of the world. Also university, christ knows how much it will genuinely cost you- but to a degree you're not even there for wouldn't have made you happy. It's incredible you're even able to apply to universities especially ones as high as Durham and you shouldn't forget that. Sure Oxford has the title but it's also one of the most expensive ones and it's not really worth it! Wherever you end up going, you will love it. I might go to Newcastle uni (waiting to hear back) and bitch if I do you me n Katie can all meet up! Just remember this doesn't determine your success at all, you're so smart and bright and have so many great things ahead of you <3

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    1. I made a spelling mistake I meant like for a degree that doesn't even have your entire heart just wouldn't be worth it. If that makes sense haha

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    2. I know, but I can't help but feel that it's a universal idea that the next step for "academically gifted" people who have a slight online presence is to eventually progress into high esteemed institutions like Oxbridge. It's a very messed up way of thinking but this has been so ingrained within me that I feel like I've let everyone down, even though that's not the case. Yes definitely, it's a hard pill to swallow but it's not the end all be all and that's what I've been trying to drill into my mind for the past few days. Oh gosh just imagine how good that would be, Katie was telling me how Newcastle is 20 mins away from Durham and the nightlife is pretty good there ;)

      thank you so much for this, Libby <3

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    3. replying to even out the comments

      i hate me too ;)

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    4. omg can I just say HOW SICK would it be if we were all at Durham/Newcastle????!!! (sorry to intrude on this comment lol)

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    5. yeesss! Katie, we'd be at the same university and possibly in the same lectures depending on our modules. AND then Libby is basically on our doorstep as well! much excite

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  4. Dalal you’re one of the strongest fucking people I know, and also one of the most intelligent. Oxford missed out on a good thing with you but that’s not to say you missed out on a good thing by not getting into Oxford, like you and Katie were saying, an offer from Oxford isn’t always the best thing. I feel like I’m one of your younger audiences that look up to your academic success and I think this is going to motivate you even more. You were the one that inspired me to take a language for A level and I decided last week that I wasn’t just going to do it as an AS, I’m going to do it for the two years. Dalal you inspired me to take that chance and I wouldn’t ever have fallen in love with the language as much if it wasn’t for your advice earlier this year. Your conversations to me about history show such a depth that I couldn’t even begin to imagine having. You’re a star Dalal and don’t you ever forget it. It fucking sucks but it’ll make you stronger, even if you really don’t feel like it at the moment

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    1. Aww bless you, thank you so much for this comment Eleanor- it means so much to think that I out of all people have managed to advise you in making such big (but definitely valuable) decisions. I'm so glad you ended up picking French for A2 because languages are so rewarding and by this time next year, you'll look back and see how much you've achieved and that's really something special. This should definitely be seen as a lesson for yourself too as an equally bright and possibly Oxford-ambitious student. I think it does show that regardless of how intelligent and passionate you are, sometimes things don't go as planned and that's okay- it's a life lesson and something I'm coming to terms with. Oh gosh, I could go on about history and language forever which is possibly why I had my heart set on getting an interview- I would have loved to speak about them with tutors who share the same but alas, things do not go to plan. Thank you so much for your lovely words, Eleanor- again, it means a lot <3

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  5. 1) the opinion of one uni is by no means tainting your academic record and is no measure of your personal or academic worth–its a tiny drop in the ocean in the word of academia and success
    2) Durham is above oxford in (some) league tables so...
    3) As i see it, uni is for studying something youre truly passionate about it–see it as a blessing in disguise, you can do the year abroad you've dreamed of, study your beloved language and the dream that is history–chances are you would have felt restricted in a sole-history degree
    but these rationalities don't discount the pain of 'rejection' and how small it makes you feel at the time but its no measure of you. It'll all work out in the end!!! xx
    https://kaatielouu.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Definitely not. Again, I think it's the long term anticipation of something and then being let down that's crushing but nevertheless, something I can move on from. I do want to visit Durham some day, especially if I get an offer, so hopefully that can be a future trip ;) I agree, as the days go on I realise how good this rejection actually is- if I had gotten an offer eventually then I would be torn. Surprisingly, my love for Spanish has only managed to increase more within the last week (very appropriate timing) and now I couldn't think of not doing History and Spanish.
      Thanks for the nice words Katie- much appreciated <3

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  6. Rejection is not a nice thing, but everyone experiences it. Although it may be the end of that dream, it's the start of a new path in your academic journey, a lil reroute to the right track that your supposed to take. It's really hard to look at it from a different perspective at the moment, but there is a reason it's supposed to happen. It's also soo important you do the right course over the uni 100%! I can finally see that now, I have friends at uni who hatee their courses but cant change now. The uni you chose to go to doesn't define you or how clever you are either; some of the smartest people I know got rejected from Oxbridge (including u!) or chose not to go. There are so many brilliant unis, and so many fab opportunities ahead of you. sending love x x

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    1. Thank you Lexie, that's a good way to put it into perspective! I agree, I'm slightly glad that this has reconfirmed the course I actually want to do because as Katie said above, I want a year abroad and I do think I'll be restricted in a History only course! I know a lot of people (including myself!) that do measure success with Oxbridge nd whilst it's completely wrong and untrue, I think it's down to the way schools portray universities and saying "Oxford and Cambridge are the top universities" when really, there are lots of other amazing institutions across the country.
      Love, Dalal <3

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  7. I am only now learning to deal with rejection and with time, you will too. Oxford rejecting you is both their loss and the universe telling you that it was not the destination for you. You will be successful and you will flourish. I believe in you and I’m here to support you every step of your post sixth form journey <3

    Fran | franciscarockey.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Yes! It's definitely a lesson and a quick way to redirect me to the path I want to go down. Love you, Fran <3

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  8. Rejection isn't always a bad thing, but learning to deal with it is such a worthy life lesson as well. Its amazing that you even applied for Oxford, its not something I'd be willing to do, and I'm definitely not clever enough to even consider it, so go you! I'm sure you'll love uni, no matter where you go - sending love!

    Lucy | Forever September

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  9. Hi :) its so good that you even applied for oxford, like that is bloody brilliant and takes a lot of guts to apply so *high five* you!! at the end of the day, you applied and thats what is bloody amazing like so what you never got accepted??? that stupid person, who didn't let you in he will see how much success you will do at another uni!!(durham uni is suppose to be really nice, i live in newcastle and have heard such good things about durham uni also newcastle is a pretty good thing you will love the accent hahahah) your life is still starting, your gonna make amazing choices in life and have a great life filled with a lot of success!! Everything happens for a reason xx (also just realized you put this post in november...did not see the date, oh well a little comment never hurt nobody haha) xxx

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    1. I'm so sorry I only just saw this comment! Thank you, I guess I did learn a lot from the application process itself and if that in itself was stressful then who knows what the actual learning experience there would be like. Yes, Durham is super close to Newcastle which is quite exciting, haha gotta love a good Geordie accent. Thank you for your comment, it was so sweet to read through (regardless of when you posted it ;)

      Dalal

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stop procrastinating and just comment already
jk
funny comments get extra points