Thursday, 21 September 2017

indecisiveness


My life has been plagued by indecisiveness.

The innocent tough decision between strawberry or chocolate ice-cream or whether my favourite dog was a Labrador or a Labradoodle have followed me from childhood into late teenage hood. And whilst the typical inability to not decide on something has been fairly common, mine takes over me. See the thing is, my indecisive nature is in a symbiotic relationship with my anxiousness.

I have to make a decision. I make it. I then think about the other option. So I switch to that. I then begin to question whether that is right. I realise it's not. And then I begin to lose control and spiral into a panicked mess who is now struggling to find her steady breathing pace and normalise her heart beat.

Something as simple as having to give an answer in class can trigger this. The silence. The whirring of the central heating system. The humming of the interactive board. My heart race quicken and I begin to sweat as I gain consciousness of what's happening right now. I say the answer, it is correct and then we move on. But I haven't. Because my heart rate is far from being quelled. It sounds dramatic, I know. 

And then it goes to something more austere. Something with more long term, impactful decisions: like deciding what course I want to do at university. I am so easily swayed. I want to apply for History. Wait no, what if I don't like History alone- maybe I should dilute it with History and Spanish? But I want to go into diplomacy so perhaps History and Politics is more suitable. Actually...Biology is pretty fun. no no no let's not move from arts to sciences, come on dalal. Earlier today my good friend and ex-English lit buddy, Aina, told me she could see me going to UAL to study fashion and then progress into the industry which subsequently then that sent my brain working overtime because HELLO I actually think I can do well in that too. And then I start to question whether I should even apply to university this year. I don't want to commit myself to a three year time period, whilst racking up a dizzying debt for me to realise that all I ever wanted to do was study biology at uni and not history. I don't like the feeling of being wrong and not having the ability to change it.

So now we're sat here at 9:01pm. I still need to catch up and consolidate my notes on respiration and photosynthesis but I am being very optimistic in convincing myself that I'll do that in my frees tomorrow morning. The last week alone gave me no me-time, every day after school is filled with Oxford preparation sessions I have not had a moment to breathe. And the same entails for this week, and the next week and the next until December.

je suis déjà fatigué. 

to those applying to university this year or don't know what they want to study yet- I feel you and I wish you the best of luck.

-dalal

6 comments:

  1. I resonate with this immensely, I am so so so indecisive about uni, mostly because I am desperate to solve every problem and foresee every circumstance, which is impossible. I suppose we'll never really know what's right until we do it. For me, a year out has (so far) helped consolidate what I actually want to do and where I actually want to go but in many ways also gives me more space/time to think about it all and become caught in a web of indecisiveness. AH life.
    http://kaatielouu.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I am such an indecisive person its actually ridiculous, so I totally relate to this!

    Lucy | Forever September

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  3. Can relate to this so muchh! I cant decide what to do and I feel as though everyone else is so certain and set on an end goal! I hear things and flit between what I want to do so often my parents despair. I hope all your Oxford prep is going well too! I would defo recommend a year out though! x
    www.lexiealexandra.com

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  4. DALAL FFSSSSSS WHY YOU ALWAYS STRESSEDDDDDDD I DONT THINK IVE SEEN YOU EVER BE NOT STRESSED. CALM DOWN LIKE IF YOU WANNA DO HISTORY AND SPANISH(GOD KNOWS WHY YOU LIKE SPANISH) THEN DO IT. I USED TO BE LIKE YOU BUT I FOUND A SAYING, IF ITS NOT A YES THEN ITS A NO.

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  5. Hugs lovely! I totally relate so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Not knowing what you want to do is one of the most difficult things and I hope everything gets easier or go to plan xo

    emsirose.blogspot.com

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  6. I'm exactly the same... I can't make any decisions! Not even the little things, like whenever we go out to eat and it's my turn to choose where we go I just say I don't mind in the end because I literally can't decide haha!
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.co.uk/

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stop procrastinating and just comment already
jk
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