dalal tahira

I don't want to say that 2017 was tough but it definitely wasn't a smooth ride. I feel like I did not make the most out of this year: academically and digitally. I did not invest the time and energy into my blog that I anticipated and I also feel like I have had some academic pit-falls but as the saying goes "before something great happens, everything falls apart" which I am trying to engrain into my mind.

I remember refusing to write a 2017 goals post this time last year because they were so cliched and painfully generic. I ended roughly writing one on a piece of a4 paper and now that I skim through it, I did manage to achieve quite a few of the goals set. I went vegetarian, I learned how to surf, I travelled, I practiced Spanish and have improved massively, I interacted and made friends with new bloggers, cleared my skin and I have tried to sleep more. These seem to be so small and trivial but it is so comforting to look back and think "I actually did that"

So now, as we move closer to the new year I thought I would publish my goals on my blog, perhaps as a way to get them out there or just to have something that will hold me accountable.

- 2018 is the year that I will sit my final A-level examinations. I want to do well. I would love to achieve AAA or perhaps A*AA. It won't be easy, especially with the new specifications, but it has been done before. I, however, do not want to jeopardise my health and happiness for these grades. I don't want to be a miserable, constantly-studying robot.

- A gap year is still a possibility. I think having a year away from education would be a well-needed break. The thought of an empty year with no structure is extremely daunting but exciting at the same time...I could fill it with anything. If I do take a gap year I would love to learn more languages. I just got back from Vienna earlier on in the day where I took on 3 hour a day German courses each day (after all the sightseeing) and it's safe to say it's definitely something I want to continue.

- University abroad? I've applied to study History and Spanish. I don't think that is ultimately what I want to study. Relating back to the gap year goal, firmly deciding on a degree course is definitely one for obvious reasons. I visited Universität Wien and of course I fell in love. Tuition fees are essentially free and I think applying there would allow me to have a clean slate. I can study what I want without my past/current application haunting me...biology, languages or even just sticking to history.

- I would aim to go vegan but I don't think it's possible. I'm comfortable with vegetarianism. Maybe I'll try eating vegan at least once a week.

- I want to be more inspired this year. A) I'm going to need it with all the coursework deadlines, exams and overall imminent stress coming my way and B) being inspired puts me in a good headspace. I'm writing this post after watching a lot of Kicki Yang's youtube videos and looking through her tumblr blog, she is definitely winning.

- Become fluent in Spanish.

- Move my blog in a fresh direction. I have had this space since 2012 and it has seen me through every phase of my life and the cultural hype that surrounded them: pastel/floral, hipster, grunge and scandi/minimalism. Thankfully I have managed to revert many of the posts from said eras back to drafts. I think it's time that my blog takes a more creative turn. I want to branch out and *cliche* push myself out of my comfort zone. I've realised that my readers like my clothes, which is so baffling, as my highest engagement were in the months I published at least one outfit post so perhaps outfit posts will make more appearances on here.

- Increase my blog following. I don't really care much about instagram and have already acknowledged that it'll only ever be a place for me to share fun photos and make cool instagram stories. I don't have an aim to hit 10k followers or anything ridiculous because I have accepted defeat at the hands of that algorithm. I do want to increase my page views and bloglovin followers as opposed to instagram because it shows that people are reading what I write, and that is what is most important to me. Maybe reach 100,000 page views and 400 bloglovin followers...

- Turning 18. I will be a legal adult this time next year, even though I feel far from that. I don't drink so I don't expect the whole turning 18 ritual of getting pissed of your nut to be happening any time soon.

- I want to start playing the violin again. I have fallen back into love with music and practiced a few weeks ago to see if I had forgotten everything. I haven't! I've ordered a violin but it's taking very long to arrive, probably because of the christmas period (that's what I'm telling myself)

- Make more of an effort with my appearance.

- Travel. It's another cliche but I really want to explore more of central-eastern Europe, the Scandinavian countries, Italy and, of course, Spain. I think it would be a cool experience to go back to Spain 2 years later, considerably more fluent and actually able to speak in Spanish. I don't know if my interrail plans will ever come to fruition but regardless, I want this year to be filled with new countries.

- Get my ears pierced. I already have the basic first ones but I'd like to get my seconds done, helix and rook. I'd also like to expand my jewellery collection. I love the minimalist boutiques on depop so I'll probably be adding more to my collection from there.

- Try not to distance myself so much. They say that sixth form and university are some of the best years of your life, socially. I don't feel that way.

- Spend time with "online" friends from blogging. This is definitely one I want to do.

I want to express my gratitude to you for reading Monochrome Daisies throughout 2017 and being so patient with me. I hope you all have a wonderfully successful 2018 and do let me know if you have any goals in the comments; we can motivate each other!

-Dalal

My room has always been something I've been disconnected to, I seem to surpass every typical teen stereotype of your room being your haven and barely spend any time there. I think the fact that I share it with my sister and the wifi doesn't connect that strongly there (very first world problem) explain that. I realised that the reason I'm not too keen on my room, a place that should be my sanctuary, is because there is nothing of 'mine' in there. Nothing is me or representative of me, apart from an overspilling bookshelf and stacks of textbook and lever-arch folders but even they have moved themselves to the living room window sill.

Getting a disposable camera changed that completely. I had originally gotten it as a way to document my summer as my phone is so unreliable that I couldn't bare the possibility of not being able to take a photo because of full storage or my phone just shutting down and resetting itself (this happened thrice in August) But eventually, these developed photos held so much sentimental value to me I decided to put them in a place that I believed they deserved to be: on top of my bed where I'll always see them. These pictures are ones of my sister and I, my mum, my grandma, my cousins, dear friends (some from secondary school and some from sixth form) and pictures of beautiful landscapes. It truly makes me smile when I look at them and think of the backstories to each of these photos, especially that one at the bottom with my friend Jose and I smiling despite our near-death, anxiety fuelled river Thames experience a few minutes beforehand. I will always treasure these photos.

I've also stuck up some post cards. Unsurprisingly, both are from Oxford- the city that I had, unfortunately, fallen in love with. The sunset one was bought when I was there for a week long summer school and I decided to write myself a letter encompassing the immense feelings of pure joy I felt that week, exploring the old buildings, botanical gardens and trying out an ice cream flavour each day in the height of British summer. All with a good friend of 6 years. The other post-card is from Katie who I seem to mention many times on this blog but in a time where I feel crazy loneliness, she's one of the only people I really speak to and can relate to. It's got a few colleges and the Radcliffe camera on it, thankfully it doesn't have a photo of the college I'd applied to as that would have been a lovely kick in the face ;) It's a really lovely postcard and the message she sent on it is equally as good. I also have another post-card from Katie, it was one of the first ones she sent to me alongside her letters. I liked the print and thought I'd stick it up.

James Dean. Who would I be without this weird idol I have? And seeing as this part of my wall is meant to show me, this is the perfect addition. I bought a print of the Rebel Without A Cause movie poster because a) it's my favourite film b) I love the colours on it c) James Dean is on it and d) the line "they both came from good families!" I think it truly captures attitudes in the mid 1950's.

I have a few weird things up too, like an iron on patch about good karma which came in a Betty Box. I don't really have anything I'm willing to put it on, my backpack is a maroon colour so that would clash like crazy. There's also a paint swatch because this exact shade of blue is what I envision when I'm anxious and my heart rate escalates and I need to calm myself down. Then a piece of wrapping paper that I received in a letter which I really liked the print of and also a 'Free Palestine' sticker which I got from a protest.

Last is this totally shitty mock timetable. I try to avoid looking at it, hence why it's so high up. I think I'm in a good place where I'm very happy my subjects (even though at times I question everything ahem history coursework) so there are certain exams I have that I'm slightly looking forward to. With every exam month, I always write myself a message on the timetable because even though it sounds stupid, when the exams roll around and I'm constantly checking what I have when I'm also seeing "you can do it! prove them wrong! aim high!" scrawled on there too. Please send me all the good vibes for these January mocks.

Et voila. I hope you liked the little insight into my photo wall! I'm definitely looking to add to it in the future so if we ever meet up and I happen to have a disposable camera, you will have the pleasure ;) of being up on my wall. okay that sounds creepy now

Do you have a photo wall? 
-Dalal

The last time I did this post was in early October and now we're in December, a lot of things have changed so I thought I'd do an updated version of this. Reading over my previous one I can definitely sense the unease and mental instability that prevailed...I'm here to tell you that that's still the case now! wooooo

what i've been doing-
I've had quite a torrential few days. I met Katie on a few Saturdays ago and had a day full of walking, pizza, conspiracy theories spray painted near bus stops, literal tears streaming down my face, holding that pizza box half way through london, hiking up a hill *still holding the pizza box*, getting on the wrong bus only for the next bus to have the same very distinctive bus driver with the final defining of our blogs as being places where we record existential crises. As you can tell, it was a very good day ;)  I also went out to dinner with my family and friends that same evening (I could barely keep my eyes open) and ended up being restricted to solely speaking Spanish with my dads Ecuadorian friend. I loved every second of it. Saturday was a good day. Sunday? Not so much. You can read my "Rejection" post here if you're curious...or just nosy. Fast forward a week and a bit- I protested against Trump's incredibly sensitive decision to recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel and then the next day I went and protested against the slave trade in Libya. Both causes are very close to my heart and I will support them until the day I die. I have an interview at Queen Mary tomorrow. I've already received an offer from them but I was called to interview because of "potential" Whatever that means. So I'm going in tomorrow and hopefully can leave with an unconditional offer. I really love academic interviews, especially about history. The mock interviews I had for Oxford were some of the most academically enjoyable things I've undergone because I was truly able to be prodded into reaching an argument and making crazy links that I wouldn't ever have done without the pressure exerted- nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to tomorrows interview.

what i've been reading/watching-
I finished Stranger Things a few weeks ago and I now have a massive void and have been yearning for the weird sci-fi episodes to grace my screen. I am proud to say that the void has been partially filled by setting Joe Keery as my lock screen, watching every interview I can find and pouring over every Stranger Things 'crack' video on youtube...they are gold. I am enamoured with the character of Steve Harrington and his maternal instincts throughout s2. I haven't been doing much recreation reading, mostly just articles about Elizabeth I's parliament, Lord Burghley and Puritan vs Catholic factions. It's not fun (as you probably imagine) On a more fun note, I watched La Casa de Bernarda Alba at the Cervantes theatre a few weeks ago and although the theatre itself was super small and located under a train railway, the play itself was amazing. The actors were so talented and really made it feel like we were in a small town in 1930's Andalusia. On the topic of Spain, I've written my first ever blog post solely in the language. I don't know how many people that appeals to now that I think of it. shit.

what i've been listening to-
The Stranger Things soundtrack is possibly the best thing ever on Spotify. Listening to it in the study room is so lovely because it's perfect and mellow enough to actually study too but also reminds me of the amazing series I watched as well. Can you tell that I loved the show? I stumbled across The Weeknd's Often (kygo remix) which I used to bang out in year 10 and I still know the lyrics off by heart I think that says a lot about me ha. I've also gotten into Majid Jordan's new album, I love 'body talk', 'you', 'phases' and 'the space between' They have a really nice R&B and synth 80s sound which is weirdly a really good mix. Of course, Daniel Caesar's Freudian album has remained a firm favourite. I recently discovered a new podcast (bear with me) called "Coffee Break" and it's specifically for language learners. They offer them in Spanish, Italian, French and German and seriously they are so good! Just being able to sit on the bus on my 30 minute journey and listening to the language and focussing on grammar, sentence structures, idioms and vocabulary has helped so much.

what i want-
There hasn't been much that has appealed to me, much to the capitalist system of consumerism's despair. Black friday sales were meh. After watching Stranger Things (I'll shut up about it soon) I wouldn't mind a pair of flares and Nike cortez's- I think the whole 80s style would be a cool look to experiment with...I've also seen this amazing dark green suit at H&M and I'm envisioning it with slick straight hair and a bold red lip but I can't justify spending £60+ just on a vision lol. A bit less fashion orientated is a desk. Yep, a desk. I don't have one but I've come to the realisation that it is exactly what I need in my life. Those who know me will know that I spend all my time in the study room, on one particular table (it's in the corner and is surrounded by 3 huge windows and right next to the heaters) and if that desk isn't free, I'll go home. That stubbornness has led to a lot of procrastination although by now, everyone knows to leave it free for me every Wednesday periods 3,4,5 and 6 as well as periods 5 and 6 on Thursday and Friday, I've still missed out on so many hours of potential work being done. Also weekends are hopelessly unproductive and so are my holidays therefore a desk is absolutely imperative. Have I argued my case enough? Perhaps I should change my potential career path to law lol.

On another note, I bought a backpack a few days ago and it arrived yesterday and oh my it's amazing. After my old zara one broke I was reduced to using canvas tote bags which killed my shoulder, especially as my laptop always comes to school with me nowadays. Padded straps, laptop compartment and spacious enough to fit in a lever arch folder without making me look like an enthusiastic year 7...tis a dream.
what i've been anticipating-
The Christmas holidays! This term has been one of serious emotional tests and I just want to catch up on lost sleep in all honesty. I have my mocks in January so a huge chunk of the holidays will be filled with revision but thanks to my fantastic "revise in your frees and stay in after school till they kick you out" policy, I've managed to get most of it done during the term. I think most of my revision will take the form of practice essays for history, past paper questions for biology and fuck knows what I'll do for spanish- probably just analyse symbols and themes from the literature module. I'm pretty relaxed about these mocks (for now) and I'm hoping they won't be too demanding. Also I may be going to Brighton with Lexie this month and then reciprocate that later whenever Katie's travel doesn't cost her an arm and a leg. I'm going to Vienna at the end of December and I am very excited for that because although it's quite an understated destination, it is packed full with history being a firm favourite of Stalin, Trotsky and other revolutionaries. It will be a good 4 days ;)

SO yes, that's everything that has been happening in my life in the past few weeks. As irrelevant as it may all sound, it's so relaxing to be able to cast my mind back to everything that has been happening and swimming around in my mind and solidifying everything in the form of a blog post. I look forward to reading this in a few months or even a years time ;)

what have you been up to?
-dalal

Siempre me he querido escribir un blog post solamente en Español, y ahora estoy haciendolo (finalmente!)

Aunque no tengo un gran numero de personas en los paises hispanohablantes que leen mi blog (pero si estas de alguien pais que habla español, por favor queda aquí ;) como he dicho antes, siempre he querido escribir en un idioma diferente y como un estudiante de español por cuantos anos, me siento que ahora es el correcto tiempo en que estoy en un nivel de competencia en el que puedo lograr uno de mis metas.

Entonces, voy a dejar de divagando (puedo hablar por días cuando quiero) No tengo un plan definido por este post pero es lo mismo por todos mis otros publicaciones aquí jaja, así que voy a hablar sobre mis planes porque para la primera vez, tengo mas de usual (wooo dalal finalmente tiene una vida social) Los últimos semanas del cuatrimestre siempre son estrenaste con los simulacros de exámen y los plazos, pero tengo algunos cosas que estoy deseando.

Este sábado, voy a encontrar con mi amiga de Internet, Katie! Por los últimos meses, al principio de nuestros aplicaciones al Universidad de Oxford, nos hemos convertido en amigas cercas. También, tenemos un esquema de 'pen pal, en que enviamos cartas etc lo que me parece muy guay porque muestra el poder de los letras que existe todavía en un mundo dominada por cosas electrónicos y digitales. Vamos a explorar Londres: comer, ir a los museos, las galerías de arte y generalmente pasemos el rato. Si ambos nos invitan a los entrevistas en Oxford (dedos cruzados) podemos vea la ciudad juntos también. Mis otros planes? Creo que Lexie, Katie y yo vamos a Brighton en unas semanas. Lexie visita la ciudad con mucha frecuencia por lo que conoce todas las cosas interesantes que hacer y podemos evitar hacer las cosas más típicamente turísticas. También estoy en un grupo de otros bloggers (Fran, Kate, Lucy, Abi, Liv y Sophie) de mi edad y podríamos tener un dia en Londres también pero no se ha finalizado todavía. Y finalmente, durante los vacaciones de Navidad quizás voy a Strasbourg en Francia en los primeros cinco días y luego en el final del mes, voy a visitar Vienna. Estoy tan emocionado a hacer los excursiones a pie sobre los comunistas y la segunda guerra civil, visitar el "Cafe Central" que era un favorito por todos las personas que han cambiado nuestra sociedad (en maneras negativas y positivas) como Trotsky, Tito, Freud y Stalin y también visitar el museo de Freud que esta en su casa real. Hay muchos otros excursiones obviamente pero los tres que he mencionado son mis prioridades ;) si has visitado Vienna y tienes algunos consejos hazme saber en los comentarios.

Cambiando de tema, he acabado viendo Stranger Things y dios mío, todos necesitáis verlo! Es mi nuevo serie favorito y no puedo recomendarlo mas. Los personajes, especialmente los niños son tan talentosos y el argumento es realmente increíble. Estoy enamorada con el carácter de Steve Harrington, especialmente en la segunda temporada cuando tiene el papel de ser como un madre a los niños, y su pelo <3__<3

Voy a terminar esta publicación de blog aquí porque a) No tengo nada más que decir y b) escribir en otro idioma y tener la gramática y el vocabulario correctos es muy agotador. Creo que he tenido que usar el sitio web del diccionario español cientos de veces para comprobar si mis sentencias tiene sentido.

Espero que les haya gustado esta forma de contenido en mi blog y tal vez haga más posts en español en el futuro

-saludos, dalal

so I got rejected from Oxford.

and although I probably shouldn't be tarnishing my "academically perfect" image online, I feel like I have been documenting my application process on here and this step is necessary to address.

I worked so fucking hard on that application. Schooldays that extended until 7pm for entrance exam sessions and writing multiple drafts of essays to submit as written work. And although I shouldn't see it all as a waste, I do.

The letter came on Saturday when I was out all day exploring London with my lovely friend Katie (we had such a good day) but my mum didn't want to upset me that night after I'd had such a nice day. She showed me the letter today (sunday) and I just felt so disappointed in myself and that I had let everyone down because this so-called 'Oxford dream' had taken up so much of my time and so much emotion. I think I cried all the tears in me.

There's this massive expectation from some school friends and I am dreading this whole week of them asking "have you heard anything back yet?" and the subsequent answer to follow. Not only that is a few blog readers/friends who I feel like I've been a role model for. I mean this in the least self entitled way but a few younger bloggers come to me for school advice or have simply been following my academic journey and I feel like I have let them down because I have failed in entering my next "impressive" step...even though that's stupid because simply going to a certain institution does not dictate my worth at all.

So I cried for the next 45 minutes with my mum comforting me and telling me that everything happens for a reason, that better things are coming like possible offers from Durham, it's a blessing in disguise because I had only applied for history alone there and not history and spanish and if I want to take a gap year then I could always do that.

I think rejection is always a hard thing to deal with because you ultimately start to question yourself and your worth: "am I not good enough?" "why don't they want me?" but we always forget that rejection is a crucial part of growing and a lot can be learnt from the way you deal with it.

I am not familiar with failure or rejection. I am used to pure successes. I do not mean to sound conceited.

I am sad, there's no denying that but a few hours have passed and I'm beginning to rethink everything. Katie and I were discussing yesterday that if we both hypothetically got offers from Oxford and Durham, which would we go for? I said Durham because it would've been an offer for the course I really want to do (History and Spanish) as opposed to straight History at Oxford. I'm pretty sure that Katie said she'd pick Durham as it's only 20 minutes away from home but she'd also live with the fact that she passed an opportunity to go to the University of Oxford and I agreed. It's a weird one.

Perhaps I've made it much easier for myself for if I did get an offer from both, I would then be plagued with the massive decision between going to Oxford and not doing a course I completely want to do or picking any of my other options for my exact course combination.

If anything, this rejection has motivated me to work harder. I want to prove the history tutor that made this decision wrong, as petty as that may sound. And even though I probably won't put myself through reapplying because it's simply unnecessary and time consuming, I will definitely take this process as a learning experience. The possibility of a gap year will be on the cards as well, depending on the prospects of my UCAS track in the next few months. I know what I want to fill my gap year with, if I do take one but for now I shall continue to work as hard as I can and not focus on the "past"

As my mum said, I should take my time and not think about disappointing others (which is partly the reason why I was so upset at the rejection) This is my own university application and I should solely consider myself in it. At the end of the day, everything happens for a reason, as cliche as that may sound. Maybe I'm not yet ready for the academic rigour or perhaps this has saved me from undergoing 3 years and a whole lot of stress and debt over a course I don't entirely want to do.

Pity party is over.

For those of you who did get invited to interview at Oxbridge, I'm wishing you all the luck and sending over positive vibes- you can do it! 

hoped you liked the photos. make sure you look at Aina's stuff, I'm being serious. please do.

-dalal

You see, I adore James Dean. Most comparable to the way my friend, Henrietta, has an undying love for Roger Federer, only Dean is dead and Federer is, well, not.

He is my true celebrity crush. I cry every time I watch an interview with him, not to sound dramatic. My true love for him was awakened when I saw a picture of him on pinterest (very white middle aged mum, I know) and was wowed until I googled him and found out that he'd died in the 50s. 

Heartbroken at age 13- not good.

I then went on to watch all of his films (although judging by the nationwide love for him in Morocco, I'm pretty sure I had watched them all before I reached the age of 10) I poured over written works about him by fellow actors and actresses (i read various "things you didn't know about James”...I recommend this one) and literally followed almost every Instagram account dedicated to him. I still write paragraphs dedicated to him every February 8. It sounds strange.

I would roast me too, don’t worry.
I used to hate those girls that would fangirl over One Direction or Justin Bieber, claiming it was stupid, overreactive, excessive and a waste of time and intellect. Now that I read this post over, I realise that I am one of those people that I love to hate.

For as long as I can remember, I always found the prospect of having an idol so trivial. So, superficial. Especially when they're a celebrity. But to me, James Dean doesn't feel like a superficial person to idolise because he is more than just his acting. He has a story, just like everyone else, which all add up and make him. From his childhood daddy issues, possible homo or bisexuality, weird relations with Marlon Brando (which can be psycho-analysed very deeply) his objection to fighting in the Korean War perhaps due to his Quaker faith, his lack of structure and everything else just makes him that more intriguing to me. Perhaps I'm living beyond my time, perhaps I was supposed to live through the 50s. Maybe then I would have been able to access James Dean in more ways that dusty books at the library or pop culture articles online which surged in popularity after Taylor Swifts' song mentioned him...



Dean died in a car crash. The way he wanted. "What better way to die? it's fast and clean and you go out in a blaze of glory." The most sadly, ironic interview I've watched: "be careful on the road, the life you might save might be mine" It's haunting because it's the last thing he publicly said before his death. But again, I think it completely contributes to him. James Dean was plagued with uncertainty. His death was another factor supporting that- the unexpectedness of it. The ironic and chilling nature of these words completely vouch for who Dean really was. Someone who went through life without knowing his end destination. The life you might save might be mine. The excessive use of "might" again hinting at the uncertainty and sentiments of pure chance. He knew he would die young. And for me, I have a feeling I might too (I say this in the least morbid and morose way possible) But then again, the whole use of might is a real pivotal word. Because you never know, especially with life and death and Dean himself. It's a tentative word. Not too strong, certainly not strong enough to put anything in setting stone.

I believe the James Dean archetype is well and truly present today. He is a cultural icon of teenage disillusionment and social estrangement. We see the persona being transmitted through many major icons like (late) Kurt Cobain sharing the same quintessential nonchalance and rebellious style that are emblematic of Dean’s magnetic legend. 

I don't mean to be that typical angst filled teen but I truly feel like I reciprocate the nature of Dean. Not completely. But we share similar traits. A quiet, lone yet impactful aura. It is said that James Dean lived like a "stray animal" with no direction and sense of place and I feel that too. I don't know what I'm doing nor where my life will lead me to. Just like Dean.
I have subconsciously dressed the way Dean, even the general 50s era, did. We begin to become accustomed with our environment and culture and this is expressed through many ways, one being the way you dress. Your personal style. The 50s have (involuntarily) influenced me to dress how I do. 

I don't mean the generic pin-up, bouffant dresses. More on the masculine sphere of influence. 

Plain and simple. 
High waist, blunt cuts. 
Big, shapeless coats.
Straight leg denim.
Unadorned leather boots. 
White, cream and navy shirts and pull overs. 

I think that this alone shows the heavy impact of the films I watch, reports I read, history I learn and art I see has had on not only my style but in building up my personality.
It’s not a special day of James Dean’s life but I was looking through my old Facebook page (very 2011 of me) and saw that I had shared lots of photos of him and I thought, why not do so on here. 

He was not cut from the typical fabric of the “American man” He rejected hyper-masculinity and made up for it through his acting. He was kind and warm hearted and vulnerable. So now you’ve read me expressing my outward feelings admiration for this guy which calls for a very niche post. 
My blog is a reflection of me and who I am. I found it so strange that I'd never mentioned my literal love of Dean until now because it's such a big part of my identity.

Even though this probably won't get many views or engagement at all, it's something personal to me and something sentimental. I want to digitally home it on my blog.


My favourite male* thinks it's a cool quirk. I think it's pretty cool too. It's rare to find fellow fanatics who aren't either dead or much older than I am. If anyone reading this loves him as much as I do and happen to be 17, can we please meet up and organise a trip to Indiana ;)

-Dalal 

*to stop friends who may be reading this post from interrogating me on who the boy is ;)

I think I have a thing with visiting cities with the most obscure names to spell. Apart from the strange hotbox in a coach situation on the way back from here and the music band that jumped onto the coach somehow, I loved the city and all the rasta, laid-back  vibe it had. Probably explains the coach, uh, issue. The stay here was short and sweet and to be honest, I only went because my cousin literally raved about it throughout the year whilst I was stuck in shitty London so as soon as I touched down in Casablanca, we got straight to planning the trip so I could see what I missed out.


Okay can we just start with the hotel -Hotel Cap Sim- because it's the cheapest place I've stayed in (£24 for two nights, including breakfast) with regards to the quality of it. The room was amazing and the lobby itself was so quintessentially Moroccan with the warm toned tiles, massive plants and patterned rugs. The rooftop itself was fully tiled with straw parasols and the view was so good,  I loved it. The city itself is quite small so you're essentially close to everything but this hotel is literally a few minutes away from the main square with all the cafes and restaurants. This was very useful after we went clubbing (it was my first time) and all I wanted to do was get back to the hotel and sleep after a long, long night of inhaling cigarette smoke, getting hit on by weird older men, paying extortionate prices for drinks and getting grabbed by my waist and pulled into a guy who I had smiled at earlier out of kindness and nothing else. Seriously, some people really take simple gestures way too far ha. 

Essaouira is a port town so fishing is the main trade there. My cousin and I briefly ventured out into the trading quarter and the amount of sea bass being flung into the air from seller to buyer actually mad. Just bare fish flying. There's a constant smell of salt water and sound of bellowing fishers will envelope you (your ears will be ringing by the time you're out)


My cousin (a fab photographer, might i add) let me borrow her 50mm lens for the photos above and I am in love with them. I never knew I was so fond of people watching but seriously, I might have to invest in this lens very soon. I like the different shades of blue in the first photo (overlooking where  some of Game of Thrones was filmed) where it's like a gradient of vibrancy and then the second photo seems like the man and seagull were in a heated staring contest in which bird trumps human. there goes my imagination again.


Despite solely eating falafel wraps throughout the whole two days (seriously, the guy memorised my order by the end of the trip) the city itself is literally full of vegetarian and vegan restaurants. Literally the most I've ever seen in a Moroccan city with so much choice in the dishes so my fellow plant based people, Essaouira is the place to go. The cafe pictured was my favourite place to go simply because the cream cakes were so cheap and tasted so good (no but seriously, I wish I could bulk buy and export them here) The place itself is such a cool environment with Bob Marley faintly playing in the background and hundreds of framed prints and paintings surrounding you.

A picnic in hyde park, early September.

I was dreading it mainly because I was trying to ignore the fact that I was going to have to go back to sixth form. Meeting with school friends would make me think of starting year 13 and then impending stress that was to come my way. You can tell how much I was dreading it, Ambra refused to go without me and forced me to "at least pretend I wanted to be there" I ended up having a good time in the end.

10/08/17 road to Chefchaoen 

the city itself is stunning with bright blue walls and crystal clear waterfalls, a bloggers heaven. But what I found so beautiful was the taxi ride there, the road there is basically on a series of mountains so you get winding lanes, greenery and extensive reservoirs of turquoise blue water. 

Mid-August, middle of the Strait of Gibraltar 

My sister and I took the disposable camera into the water to take some pictures. It was dusk and the sky was darkening whilst the sun was setting over the mountain in the West. We didn't know whether this photo would even work out, if we'd be completely out of shot or if it'd only capture one of our faces. After a 3 month wait, we discovered that it actually came out quite well. woo! 

Waiting for a taxi, another day in August

The thing with the North of Morocco is that it is so unbelievably mountainous. You will always see a mountain. It made mundane tasks like waiting to hail a taxi more enjoyable as you can just look up at a blue sky and these mountains. Let's pretend my finger in the corner is a light leak. 

28/8/17 Bank holiday weekend, Oxford

Straight after coming back to London after an amazing month in Morocco I went to the outskirts of Oxford with my dad and family. We've been staying in this massive stretch of land since I can remember, it's owned by some super rich people who my dad used to butler for. They've known me for my whole life. I always love going there, it's so secluded and peaceful. Being surrounded by acres of trees is so peaceful. The heated pool helps too ;)

10/8/17 Chefchaoen "The Blue Pearl of Morocco"

Quite ironic that I came here and took zero photos of the sheer blue-ness of the place on my disposable camera. Anyway, here's a view from our final spot. The palm trees are covering the massive waterfall below. We climbed down there (slippery rocks and freezing cold water are not a good mix) and had fresh orange juice. The oranges were floating in the water as a natural freezer and there were peacocks waltzing around.

Yet another August day, in the sea

I met this (very special) guy. We swam until dark everyday until we had to part ways. Turns out he lived across the Atlantic...

1/8/17 In Essaouira 

On the street of our hotel, holding my cousin and I's falafel wraps.  We had just come back from the beach after surfing, hence my dishevelled appearance, and were so hungry. My cousin said I looked so happy that this had to be my first photo on the camera. So I obliged. There was the sweetest black cat next to me which I was hoping would be in the shot. 

31/8/17 with my rock, near Canary Wharf

Whenever I see this guy he has something new going on in his life. And that makes me really happy because he deserves everything good in the world simply because he's so positive and lovable. We almost died on the river bank after the tide rose and were essentially stranded. He laughed whilst I was muttering prayers. The photo above is us, very happy because we managed to survive. A visit to the farm (literally opposite us, London is a weird place) calmed down the anxiety but dear Lord when the river started creeping up my life flashed before my eyes. 

So, that was my summer in analogue film. It was nice. A good month. It was very needed, a time to finally breathe and clear my head and meet with old friends. I loved being home in Morocco, it was such a comfort to be back somewhere which felt so familiar especially after spending the last year in a new sixth form surrounded by new people and studying new things. I tried new things that I wouldn't have ever thought I'd do: I cliff jumped, surfed, partied and explored more parts of the country. Despite crying on the plane home and on the tube back from Heathrow (my suitcase rolled down the whole carriage which made me cry even harder) my post holiday blues were quickly shut down by a 3 day trip to the country side. The weather was surprisingly good. My days here consisted of family meals, getting lost in the masses of trees, lazing around by the pool, making the most out of the hammock, brushing up on my tennis skills and hiking up hills. 

I've been waiting to write this and share my film photos for so long. I'm ready to look back on this post when I'm in the midst of revision. I can't wait to get another disposable and experiment with that. 

what's your favourite photo? 
hope you liked this! 

-love, Dalal 

I'm currently snowed under with history revision, trying to make notes on the whole of the AS british period study course within a week. I already know that this half-term holiday is going to be everything but a holiday with biology exams, HAT practice and Spanish speaking prep all looming at the back of my mind. So I thought I'd throw it back to the beginning of September, a much simpler time where the stress of university applications and exams was only just starting to build up. My cousins were here from Morocco and I decided to take them around the area that I know best. There was a mini rave at the scoop so of course we hung out there before stumbling home a few hours later. I tried to make the most of the last "warm" days in the UK by braving bare legs, despite the fact I was wearing a turtle neck and north face jacket...you need to know the balance (shoutout if you got that reference)

Even though this week off is going to be filled with school work catchup (and inevitable failure in productivity) I've already started it off with a high note, meeting my nearest and dearest friends on Friday, making more plans for the week, going to the 'soul of a nation' exhibition at the Tate and scoring the ultimate bargain of 8 M&S sweet potato falafels for £1.20. I'm FINALLY going to get my disposable camera photos developed and scanned which I'm so excited about because I've been waiting for months to see the results of my frenzied summer snaps and documentations of the lethargic summer to autumn transition.

Anyway, I'm about to go out to explore the Bank area right now!

Hazy memories of whole school assembly, after singing school hymns about refuge and solidarity, the headteacher makes an announcement telling the whole year 6 cohort to stay sat whilst everyone was dismissed. Confusion. and then it clicked. It was time. I remember getting handed a letter and seeing the word SEX and freezing in shock because how would I be able to hand that to my mum. A few years and many shitty sex ed lessons later, I'm here with what I can say is adequate knowledge on the matters, especially consent, rape and harassment. Primary school didn't teach me that. They told me that women bleed once a month and when a man and woman love each other a lot they have sex. They didn't tell me why we bleed or anything about other forms of sex. Not everyone is heterosexual. Primary school is such a 'sterile' environment and also a place for development, I know a lot of my friends who have come out to me said that they realised they were LGBTQ+ from primary school. So I find it strange that we weren't educated on how our fab rainbow counterparts have sex. Or how to deal with a situation when a member of the opposite or same sex makes you do something you don't want to do which is so necessary as a young child as there are some twisted people who will touch children inappropriately. Sexual education is so crucial within our society, I've found that youtube has taught me more about intercourse, puberty, STD's, consent and more than the national curriculum ever has. Female menstruation itself is such a taboo topic, my GCSE biology lessons on the menstruation cycle were often met with a) awkwardness as my teacher was male and b) very immature comments by the few boys in my class. I just find it strange that something so human is swept under the carpet. I digress.

I was sent an email by Betty Box asking if I would like to receive their September box. The company is a very body positive monthly subscription box which is tailored to your periods so you can get a few necessities and extras to get you through it. I never thought receiving a pastel highlighter through the post would make me so happy but there we go. I checked out their website (it's all very bright and colourful so it's very approachable) and looked at how it all works. I picked out my box type which can either be full of pads, tampons or mixed, my preferred absorbency, the brand (Bodyform or Always) and then the date you would like it to be delivered in accordance with your natural cycle. It's all very straightforward and honestly, when it arrived I was buzzing.

First of all, I thought that they would only send 3-5 pads but oh gosh was I wrong. I think I got around 20 which was such a pleasant surprise and so thoughtful of them considering how expensive they are. Everything comes in little pouches and patterned cardboard boxes which I find is so cute and makes it so much more personal and again, so approachable for younger girls. September's box was based around back to school so the stabilo pastel highlighter and adorably patterned post it notes were very welcome. Those who know me will be aware of my very bad habit of writing on my hands and arms because I can never reach my planner in time before I forget something. I always use the standard neon ones to study, I usually take notes regularly and then to condense it all and make sure I've grasped the concept of something like the Krebs Cycle in bio, I'll quickly write/sketch it out on a post it so I know that I fully understand it. Slightly extra but so useful. Can you tell I'm a huge post it note fanatic?

My friend Olivia is basically my stationary crush, she has all the pastel highlighters and as irrelevant as they are to me, I really wanted to buy myself a pack. Then this box came through the post and I saw that they had included one in it and trust me, the peach coloured one can make something as boring as the 2013 oxford HAT paper look good.

They also included a few snacks and products for wellbeing, I obviously ate the salted caramel popcorn and two of the truffles before I photographed them but o m g they were so good. I'm yet to try out the t-zone charcoal and bamboo pore strips or the chirp body hair mask but shall keep you updated on my instagram. I received the trust fund nail polish in 'omg dying' which is a sand-taupe 100% vegan and cruelty free polish. I looked into the brand and they follow the 10-free rule to try and produce the most ethical and cruelty free products! There was a bubble t lip balm in the 'Moroccan mint tea' scent which fits me to a t ;) it lives at the bottom of my school bag and the macaroon shape is surprisingly ergonomic. Last is an iron-on patch which I am yet to find a permanent home. I am one of those people who firmly believe in the evil eye, karma and all of that good stuff so to have something on me at all times alongside my evil eye earrings is more than welcome.

Although I was sent this box for review purposes, I can say that it is definitely worth the money for the sheer amount of product you get for the £12.99 price tag. There's a really online community on their website with articles from tackling FOMO to mental health so if the box isn't for you, the website itself might be.

Thank you to Betty Box for letting me try out your service and valuing my experiences so much. You find them here and their social medias are all under @bettycollective.

-dalal

what i've been doing-
Applying to university and trying not to cry at the confusion and aimlessness of everything that's happening. I don't even think I want to apply to half the places I have but time is slipping away from me as we speak and my application will be formally sent off this friday so it's too late. I've had to stay in school until the evening for oxford preparation for entrance exams and personal statement UCAS stuff. I haven't had a time to breathe. It's university stuff, homework and then extra reading whilst trying (and failing) to make time for yourself because priorities. I still have a blog post to write for a company and a blogging event to attend and everything is snowballing to even bigger inconveniences in my life. c'est la vie, bah ouais?

what i've been reading/watching-
A shit ton of historic books...some include A day in the life of Ivan Denisovich, A very short introduction to the Russian Revolution, The Night Malcolm X Spoke at the Oxford Union and some Spanish books like 100 Years of Solitude. I've been getting home at 6-7pm everyday because of uni applications and HAT practice so I never really have time to watch anything anymore...I have to say that watching those strange Good Morning interviews with Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield have had me hooked. I can spend 2 hours watching them from super inspirational ones to others about auctioning your virginity for millions without actually looking into the safety and health threats of it. I love those episodes where it's just the two of them laughing, definitely averts the stress and flashing signs in my mind. 

what i've been listening to-
The Neighbourhood released their new EP so I've been listening to that, I love 24/7 the most. Kendrick Lamar's album has been on ever since it was released, it was the only album I had on my phone (low storage struggles) and I often found myself without wifi or data when I was in Morocco so I would settle on banging out DAMN. for a few hours to entertain myself. I've found Jorja Smith's music too, a few faves are On My Mind, Teenage Fantasy, Blue Lights and Where Did I go. And to remind myself of the time I nearly moved to Amsterdam (for forever ever) I've been bumping Alright by Leafs ft Yung Nnelg. I also frequently listen to Hindi Zahra's Beautiful Tango because it reminds me of Morocco and summer. Navajo by Masego is a tune as well. I feel like it's describing me..."everywhere this little girl goes she picks up another obstacle."

what i want-
A pair of vagabond dioon boots and some peace of mind lol. I originally bought the nubuck version but they just don't look a nice as the smooth leather version. It sucks that Office doesn't stock the non-animal ones but what can you do :( But yes. I need them. They look perfect for the coming season.

what i've been anticipating-
Anticipated to me sounds as if I'm waiting for something good. Well I'm not. I don't think I have anything to look forward to other than stressful exams, an entrance exam, possible academic interview and more mental instability. If I can't be depressed on my own site then where else can I? I have planned some things for this summer and will be going to Berlin this march but again, nothing is really exciting me anymore...maybe I've slipped even more.

let me know what you've been up to in the comments!
-dalal